How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
