I got chris browned last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
