i permit you to call me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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