I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
