So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
