If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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