my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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