fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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