Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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