i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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