Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
