seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
