well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
