I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
