so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
