Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
