i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
