Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
