Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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