You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
