I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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