yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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