dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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