Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
