Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
