I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
