Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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