Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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