I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
