i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
