i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
