you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
