So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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