i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
