he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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