remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
