Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
