Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
