we're chasing vodka with high fives
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
