I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
