wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
