There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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