I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
