hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
