tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
