checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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