DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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