Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
