I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
