I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
