party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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