Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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